Yahoo 360 Blog – Part 3 Reflections

Rachel's Smiling Mug
Just a selfie of me with light makeup on and my favourite orange fall scarf. One of my favourite things.

Reading over my old blogs, there are tons of questions and very little answers.  During that time of my life, I felt totally alone and lost.  I cling to the hope that my life would get better and my anxiety would go away.  I desperately wanted to know that my mental health would improve and I would get my old life back. Unbeknownst to me, it will never be the same.

I wanted to blog about my feelings, put them out into the world and see what others thought, instead of holding it all inside and being brave.  Well, I am not that brave.  I think to post my feelings after the fact is sad really.  I was just tired of bottling up my feelings and trying to figure them out myself.  I think really that is why I get so sick with anxiety and worry.  Hence this blog.  Trying to share more with the world, after it has given me so much.   Continue reading

Quiet Thoughts from the Past

This was written on May 12, 2015 12:57 PM

Coffee Man

I used to keep a journal about the random thoughts in my head that would repeat like loops in my mind.  It would and could drive me crazy if it would let it. Things like.  I should write those stories that I have always wanted to write since I was 8 years old. I should draw more; I should look for a job, something I can do from home.  That is something I really want, I can do several things.  Website Design, Blogging, resumes, and even make graphics.  I just don’t know how to market myself.  I am not good at selling myself.  I have a great desire to help people, but no desire to get paid for it.  Continue reading

Remembering Mom

grief and butterflies

A dear friend of mine lost her father just recently.  I tried to comfort my dear friend, it was hard to watch someone go through what I only experienced just a year ago.  The pain of the loss of losing one of the most important people in your life.  As I listened to her worries about how she treated her father and the things she might regret and as the tears swelled in her eyes.   I tried to comfort her with words that somehow got me through my own big loss.  Things like, ‘ I am sure your father loved you. ‘, and ‘He knows how much your relationship meant to him.’,  ‘There is no wrong way to grieve.’ and a few others.  I really meant them from the bottom of my heart. It sort of hurt me to see my friend this way.  I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and let her cry.  I have been there, and that is all I wanted when my dear mother passed away.  I just wanted that freak-en huge hole in my heart to go away.   A hug was all I wanted and needed at that time. Continue reading

A simple pair of glasses.

pink-glasses-frame-front-hiThey are sitting on the table, while she is in the bathroom resting on her computer keyboard.  They were pink, and small just like my mom’s small frame that dominated the living-room with her voice and laughter.  I stared at them as I reflected on the meaning of these glasses with a smile, and I stood up to make the 40th cup of tea that we going to share, on this visit this early summer.

Dad bought these pretty glasses, because she needed them.  She loved to watch TV when she wasn’t playing “her silly farm game.”   Dad was tired of telling her what was on TV, cause her eyesight was so bad.  She no longer could read the tv guide on her 42 inch flat screen TV.  She bugged my father for months to get the new next box from Rogers so that she could read the guide and continue to program her favourite shows days or weeks in advance, so she wouldn’t miss a thing.  Dad finally took the drive to Newmarket and picked up the “stupid box”, we hooked it up to only see that the font they used for the new guide was hard to read and way too small.  I tried not to laugh at my dad, when I saw the defeated look on his face, but he smiled and shook his head and left the room.  I know he was biting his lip but his love for my mom wouldn’t let him. I smiled at the love my dad has for my mom. Continue reading

Relationships and Love

I used to keep a journal about the random thoughts in my head that would repeat like loops in my mind. It would and could drive me crazy if it would let it. Things like. I should write that story that have wanted to write, since I was 8 years old. I should draw more, I should look for a job, something I can do from home. That is something I really want, I can do several things. Website Design, Blogging, resumes, and even make graphics. I just don’t know how to market myself. I am not good at selling myself. I have a great desire to help people, but no desire to get paid for it.

These days, I have thought a lot about relationships I have had with men, and people I professed my love to, and still keep close to my heart and love to hear from all the time. When I find myself in love with someone, I usually really love things about that person I wish that I was more like. Examples, things like always happy, love for life, confidence, Intelligence, and a go getter attitude. It never has been about looks, or what they have. It is always about who they are, how many personal beliefs that he lives by and the fact that they know what they are, and accept it fully. Unlike me however, I always think I am willing to change and grow, all the time. I like who I am but I can always improve. It is hard when you are changing habits that have been part of my life for 45 years.

Well, my last relationship was hard to me to realize that it was over, he was always unhappy and complained a lot of my short comings. I listened really hard for the nice things he loved about me and it was so little. I realized that I meant less to him than he did to me. I never tried to waste someone’s time, if I can’t love them with all my heart. Why does he waste mine? So, with the a very heavy heart, I had to let him go. He truly didn’t love me, and I deserve better. I want someone to light up when I call, smile when I am laughing, cry with me, and cheer me up when I am down. To be that one person in the world they can count on. I am looking for someone to love and grow with me. Continue reading